Slab of Steak for the Real Man’s Soul Part VII

Dear Dope and Sexy,

This is a pretty serious question and I hope the two baddest motherfuckers alive can help me. I’ve been dating this girl for about a year or so and she recently called me telling me she missed her period. It’s been two weeks and nothing. We both feel she’s been having symptoms of pregnancy and feel we are both in a never ending pit of shit. We’ve done things but I’ve never actually penetrated her. Please help! I don’t want to have my first child yet

Thanks,
Not Ready, TN

Dear Dumb Fuck,

So you’ve never fucked but you think she’s carrying YOUR child? If your name’s not Joseph and her’s Mary and live in Jerusalem, than your obviously kissing a girl that’s had someone else’s kids in her mouth. This is actually a blessing in disguise. Make her believe you think it’s your’s (because if you’re such a dumbass to think it IS yours, she’s equally a dumbass thinking the same). Now you can go out and fuck endless amounts of vahg you want without feeling guilty. Not only did she just fuck someone behind your back, she fucked that poor son of a bitch raw. (WRAP IT UP GUYS!) Just for fuck’s sake, keep her around and fuck her like she’s never been fucked before and go cum crazy in that vahg. Once she starts to show that there’s a little spitting image of the guy she’s cheated on you with (and she will)… remind her that when she was first pregnant, you guys didn’t fuck. Throw her on a guilt trip for one last blow/fuck/tug and kick her ass out. BUT REMEMBER! PLEASE DON’T KISS HER UNLESS YOU LIKE A MOUTH FULL OF JIZZ BECAUSE THAT PIGEON WAS/IS OBVIOUSLY CHEATING! …. bitches…

FURTHERMORE:

Listen up dipshit I normally wouldn’t respond to such a douche bag question but this is just too damn funny to pass up. First of all… I don’t know of any type of “things” you could be doing that would lead to her getting pregnant other than plowing the vahg. I don’t know if you are some type of Alien or some shit that can shoot jizz out his fingers or some kind of sex machine that can knock a girl up by just staring at them (if you are that’s awesome and I apologize) but that shit just ain’t natural and it pisses me off. SHE AIN’T PREGNANT! And you’re a fucking douche for thinking she is. If it turns out that she actually IS pregnant then she either A) Fucked some other dude that lingered in there just a couple of seconds too long. Or this is the second coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If I were you I would give her one of these -.- for starters and then sit down and explain to her wear babies come from. And shit if you aren’t sure I can sit down with both of you and explain the ins and outs (mostly the INS) of fucking and how babies are made. I can even take her on a test run if u like. Anyway… the girl is NOT pregnant, I know I pulled out just in time, and if she is you are NOT the father so no matter what you should be happy as shit.

With love,
Dope and Sexy