Slab of Steak Part VI

Dear Dope and Sexy,

I’m super in love with my girlfriend but i’m so attracted to her best friend. I dont like her but i would like to pound her. She’s been tagging along lately and i cant seem to get her out of my head *wink wink* Please help!

Thanks, Just Wanna Pound
Chi-Town, IL

Dear BFF (Best Friend Fucker),

First and foremost you need to assess the situation. First thing I would do is try to build a friendly relationship with the friend. Get on speaking terms and maybe even get the girls number in your phone. Secondly, try to increase the amount of time you spend with her by going out with her and your GF as often as possible. After all these pieces are in place you start making your moves. When in a club, see how the two respond if you give the friend a quick grind. If its a positive response then let the liquor pour. Worst case scenario, you bang the friend while shes drunk (and you CLAIM you’re drunk) and shes so scared that she may hurt two of her best friends (thats why you spent that time getting close earlier) that she would NEVER tell the GF. Best case scenario you score 2 chicks at once. And well.. life doesn’t get much better than 2 chicks at once. God invented war so men can kill each other off and then enjoy 2 chicks at once. And if that 3some is everything that one can imagine (and it should be) then maybe some of her other friends will want some too!

OR

Like my hetero life mate Sexy Daddy first mentioned, alcohol would probably the best way to go. Set-up a date for your and your lady to stay at the house and drink. Tell her u want to invite one of your guy friends because he wants to meet her girl friend. This is the bait. Tell your guy friend (it has to be someone you could trust) all about your scheme. He will now be decoy. Tell him to have an “emergency” in the middle of the gathering and that he has to abruptly leave. Now it’s just you three. And the setting couldn’t be more perfect. It’s your home so everyone is comfortable and the booze is flowing so all inhibitions are out the window. JACKPOT! Now don’t go in there half assed, make sure you perform at Dope and Sexy level; because you were at our level, she’d want to try you out alone next, believe me.

Your friends,
Dope and Sexy

Slab of Steak for the Real Man’s Soul Part V

Dear Dope and Sexy Daddy,

So I’ve been seing this girl for about a year and things have been great. Great chemistry. GREAT sex. Looks like shes a keeper. However recently, her best friend from high school has come back from living in Italyfor 2 years and she hangs out with him regularly. Only problem is that well.. hes gay. SUPER gay. And any time me and my girlfriend have a spat hes all up in the middle of it. And the chick just listens to whatever he says as if THAT was her man. His opinion really matters that much? I feel like I’m dating her and her gay friend. Our relationship is going down the shitter and I need to put an end to this ridiculous triangle.

 

Thanks,

In the middle of a Rock and Gay Place, NY

 

 

Dear Homolateral Triangle,

 

First of all if his name is THOMAS, you are FUCKED!

 

But if not:

 

Ooo thats a toughy. You CAN just fuck his ass up. Wear a mask.. grab a crobar… and go to town.. He’ll probably get back to his homoness soon as he recovers and you go to town again. Eventually he’ll put two and two together and realize that stepping in gets him fucked up. On the other hand you can just make a blog and bash his ass like there’s no tomorrow. Either way.. I’m just too straight to get involved with homosexicals.

 

or

 

This one is a tough one… ok, dealing with fa—, homos for the little baby ears, is very difficult. They’ve hid and whopped many a men most of their lives so you gotta be really careful and be as nonchalant as possible. Invite him over one day and your other boys who don’t necessarily dislike homos, just say things that the princess will find offensive. Spend the whole day with just the princess and your boys. He’ll eventually get the hint that he isn’t wanted since you put him in this situation. Worse case scenario he hits on one of your boy, he fucks him up and you turn a blind eye. This may get u in trouble with the miss but at this point it’ll be “his fault for coming on to him”.

 

Your Buddies,

Dope and Sexy

Slab of Steak Part IV

Dear Daddies,

I’m starting to feel like sex is the most important part of my relationship. I feel as if there is nothing else between me and my girlfriend. Should i break up with her?

-not the one, WA

 
Dear Whines-A-Lot,
 
-.- i dont see the problem…
 
Sex IS the most important part of a relationship. If she’s not complaining then why the fuck are you? Stop being a bitch and go fuck!

- Daddy x 2.

Slab of Steak Part III

From the BK:

Dear Dope and Sexy Daddy,

When me and my girlfriend have sex she gets really into it. And recently she has just been getting really dirty while we’re doing it. Cursing at me and telling me that im a piece of shit and all these other ridiculous things. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but it kinda turns me off when she tells me I fuck like a fucking shitty maggot while I’m in her. Please help.

-feeling shitty, BK, NY
 
Dear Fucking Shitty Maggot:
 
I can’t stand when chicks try to pull that shit. All nasty and shit in bed and then if I spit in public I get a smart comment from the girl. I have zero tolerance for that hyprocritical bullshit. I’d let her say whatever she wants and focus on the sex. As soon as I cum I’d say, “That was great (insert other girl’s name here).” Then walk out and find a broad that respects TGD(That Good Dick).

or

A. Put a pillow over her face (you of course have to be on top)… but be careful not to suffocate her, we wouldn’t want to be necros now would we? B. tell her to SHUT THE FUCK UP. C. say nastier dirtier things and throw out a spank or  my personal fave D. put something in her mouth to shut her up (I hope you know what i mean).

- The Daddies

Slab of Steak Part II

This question comes all the way from Tennessee. 

Yo,

 My girl quit shaving her armpits and her leg hair. how? what? why? Help!

- lost in the bushes, TN

 

Dear Hairy Mess,

Does she still have tits, ass, and a vag? If so then I personally wouldn’t care.  However, if I were you I would get her drunk, bang her senseless, and after she passes out just Nair that shit off. When she wakes up act as if nothing happened. She lets the shit grow back? Rinse and repeat.

PLEASE NOTE: WEAR A RUBBER TO AVOID CHAFFING & RUG BURNS

or

I don’t understand your question so I’m going to cover all the grounds. HOW? She stopped shaving (eww) -.-WHY? That female prolly thinks she has it like that… so we gotta stir something up to let her kno she don’t have shit! An “are you serious?” Or “really?” When she’s expecting “you look beautiful!” will prolly do the trick. Now to make her look less like a Neanderthal, ‘good-heartedly’ buy her some razor and be like “I thought you ran out.” Or… while ur tappin it, put a rubber on, get on top. This is gonna have to be done fast. Cum without lettin her know you did, keep going and sit up like you’re switching positions, while still inside her grab her legs and go “wtf? Ugh I lost it…” and get off her. She’ll be left horny and a slap in the face to her lack of hygiene… you came and… well you came!

-Sexy Daddy and Dope Daddy

Slab of Steak for the Real Man’s Soul part I

first question comes from the Boogie Down Bronx, NY

Dear Dope Daddy and Sexy Daddy,

Hi! My girlfriend has small boobs, and i really love her but i’m afraid I’ll cheat on her if she doesn’t get implants. How do i suggest it to her?

- Won’t fill my hand, BX =(

Dear Extra Padding,

Don’t be afraid of cheating, no one’s perfect so if you’re banging on the side to get you’re tit fix, keep it under wraps. Think of it this way: you’re doing this for her. You dont wanna hurt her feelings by telling her she’s not up to par.

Or,

Show her a pic of some chicks with some bodacious boobies. And then tell her that this is her competition, and that the ball is now in her court.

your friends,
Dope Daddy and Sexy Daddy